20 December 2015

Marry me!

I have been hearing too many stories about bad marriages lately that relationships and marriages have began to scare me. I don't dream about a prince charming on a white horse anymore. Instead, I run away from men who show interest in me, who are nice to me, or who tell they want to be more than just friends with me.

It's not only others' marriages but my failure in understanding what exactly I want from a marriage - that is if I ever get married - that's holding me back. Love - honestly, I know nothing about love between a man and a woman. Sex - is good sex enough for a relationship to survive forever? Money - I can earn it, no? Companionship - whatever that means! What should I choose? Whom should I choose? What's important and what isn't? I wish there was an easier way to figure these things out.

However, after brainstorming with my mother and close friends for hours, I supposed that passable looks, education and good communication skills are the most important qualities that I want in the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. (I know I am not an employer and he ain't a job seeker, still...)

Then, I recalled one of my friends, who liked me enough to ask me to marry him (or so I thought at that moment), telling that he likes my broad-mindedness. He was good-looking and as educated as I am. I felt flattered...only until he explained what he expected from his broadminded wife. I was appalled by his confession. Broad-minded person was meant to tolerate infidelity as well. After that, faithfulness was added to the list of qualities I sought in my groom.

I looked and looked again but couldn't find a man who had all these qualities, and whenever I thought he has everything, I ran away from him. Am I just avoiding relationships or haven't met the right guy yet? I don't know. Whatever it is, it is plain annoying. Sometimes, I wish the concept of marriage hadn't existed at all. At least, I wish I didn't care enough about either my parents' views when it comes to my marriage or their worry about what society may think of them if I end up as a spinster.

Oh no, I don't want to get married because my parents want me to get married. Perhaps, it triggered things, but now I want to marry because I think it would be nice to get married. Oh, whatever! I have created this perfect man in my head and that's the end of everything. I know I am contradicting myself when I speak about this perfect man as I already said that I am not looking forward to meet any prince charming on a white horse. What I am actually trying to tell is I have given up on the idea of meeting a nice guy who would actually make me want to get married, to him, of course. 

Yes, marriage is always on my mind because that's all everyone I meet these days talk about. But, I somehow feel that I try really hard to avoid it, postpone it, or whatever.

One last thing - staying single is not all that bad. Marriage can't be bad either, no? Everyone does it. Oh, I am confused again so I will break this train of thought here and get some work done.

18 October 2015

How not to kill yourself?

When you're tired of everything and everyone around you, it is natural to seek a new means of entertainment...perhaps a new acquaintance if not a new anime or TV show. You either login to Facebook and accept one of those pending friends' requests, or reinstall tinder. And you give your everything to not become dependent on that new friend because you know how it will end. You have been through it several times already. You know that the sparks that seem so interesting now WILL eventually fade; it may not even take that long.  

18 February 2015


Who likes to indulge in self pity? At least, I don't. I have got a big ego that doesn't permit me to display my hurt. I would rather die than show weakness in front of those people who didn't think twice before hurting me. Anyway, would it matter to them even if they knew how much I was hurting? I guess not. So, why bother?

01 February 2015

Trust issues

Nowadays, I teach creative writing to a couple of kids, and when I was on my way to the class, I saw an ad for a job opening. My brother is unemployed at the moment and it just crossed my mind that he would require my dad to vouch for him if he ever applied for such jobs (It was related to security management).