You realise you are growing old when you decide to stay away from a person who mistreated you without getting into any tit-for-tat businesses. Now, you're old enough to understand that such people are just not worth your time and effort.
Everyone understands that expectations will lead them to disappointments or possibly miseries. Nobody chooses to get hurt. Even, I didn’t. I seriously didn’t have any expectations for our relationship when we began it, and at that time, I honestly didn’t think I will ever have one. Now, I regret everything. I wish I had never met him. I wish I wasn’t hurting as much as I am at the moment.
During childhood, I had built a cocoon around me. I never let myself get too close or too attached to one person. I ate my lunch with one friend, sat beside another and walked home with a totally different friend. At times, I did feel lonely – like whenever my other friends celebrated each other’s birthdays and exchanged presents, it made me want to be special enough to someone that he/she will celebrate his/her happiness with me. But, loneliness has its own perks. It protected me from heartbreaks and disappointments, and I didn’t complain about its shortcomings.
Over years, I met new people, experienced various things, which gradually changed me. Then, I got closer to a few people, shared my heart out, yet the loneliness never died. For all I know, it has grown deeper with time. And, all the wrong people I have met until now and became friends with have only pushed me into this well further.
Oh, I am quite an egomaniac and it is extremely difficult for me to stay depressed over such things for a long time. I give my all to a relationship only up to a certain point - until I realise my efforts aren't being acknowledged and appreciated. I don't expect anything in return. Perhaps, I ask for a little attention and affection but that isn't too much, right? Anyway, I move on quickly - of course, after crying and sulking for a few days.
Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this blog. I remember how I felt when I didn’t get any calls on my birthday. I remember how I felt when he took another girl to a fancy restaurant while he had no time to even talk to me for a moment. I remember all the promises he made and forgot. I remember the sweet nothings he whispered into my ears which he didn't really mean. I remember many such bitter things. Tonight, I will just let the tears flow, and start the morning afresh.