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01 July 2009

Psychopath

I don’t know why I was reading this letter, again and again, anyhow I read it. Even after reading it for the hundredth time, I didn’t understand why he had chosen me over other girls around. I had tried so hard to not get noticed.

I couldn’t pick up the reason that had made him write me a love letter. I wasn’t much of a beauty, however enough for an ordinary girl. I had no intentions of contesting in any beauty competition, so I was happy with my looks. Anyway, I wasn’t like other girls. Psychopaths didn’t live in every neighborhood, but there was one around. I was the one. Even a dumb guy would take the hint from my behavior that I wasn’t interested in anyone. I wanted to be left alone, but this guy had written me a love letter. Damn him!

I thrust the letter into my bag, as I didn't care it would crimp. But I immediately drew it out and tore it into pieces. I dumped them in a dustbin on my way to the next lecture. I hoped he would understand that I wasn’t interested either in him or his letter. I knew he was watching me the whole time.

As usual, I sat alone for lunch. I avoided people unless it was very necessary to talk to them. As I munched on my favorite tomato sandwich, I wondered whether people noticed me or just ignored me the way I ignore them. I knew whatever I wonder, I wouldn’t change my attitude.

I attended every lecture as if I was going to take exams. Obviously I wouldn't take any. But mom asked me not to be so sure. She was an optimist. I wondered what she was hoping for. I wished she would understand that her prayers wouldn’t be answered. I was so close to my demise that even God wouldn’t be able to change my fate. If only dad had some sense in him, then I wouldn’t be sitting here, alone and wondering why that guy wrote me a love letter.

The love-letter-boy sat next to me in the botany lab, but I pretended not to notice. For the first half of the class, he was silent and I was glad he was. However, his silence didn’t last long. He said, “Hi, Renu”.

I replied though I didn’t want to, hoping he would stop there. It didn’t seem to be my lucky day…first, the letter and now this. He said, “I wondered whether we could learn the slides, together”

I couldn’t refuse, as it was customary to pair up and conduct experiments, as equipments were scarce. After a while, he asked, “How was your day?”

There was no such rule that you should discuss how your day went by with your lab partner, so I ignored the question. He kept quiet for awhile, but not for too long. He asked, “If you have finished the novel that you were reading the other day, would you mind lending it to me?”

I looked at his smiling face and didn’t know what to say. All the time, I had assumed that people at college never noticed me when I passed by them. But here, this guy was telling that I had been reading a novel the other day. He had been observing me for quite some time and I didn’t know how to react for he smiled so beautifully.

I had stayed friendless for very long time and wished I could make one now. I wanted to tell him that I would be more than happy to lend my book, but I did not. I said, “I would appreciate if you concentrated on the slides instead of getting me into a conversation”.

His smile vanished immediately and he didn’t speak again. I knew I had hurt him and felt sorry, but I didn’t let him know that. I left the lab without another glance at him. I bunked other lectures that followed the lab and sat in the garden scribbling over my assignment book. From the corner of my eyes, I watched for him. I hoped he wouldn’t come here. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already had.

I know I was acting like a sadist, but I was helpless. I just didn’t want to complicate things. If he was only flirting, then I would feel very bad and he would be hurt, if he was serious about me. It wasn’t like I would hang around long for any serious commitments. It was better to keep him away from me. He might have friends, who wouldn’t let him miss me, once I was gone. Still, I liked when things didn’t get complicated. I had carcinoma and was in the final stage of the malady.

Dad’s ignorance had ruined me along with him. Even he didn’t stay around long. He smoked and smoked, and finally died. I remember him smoke like an engine; while I sat watching people come in and go out of his garage. He would have another cigar lighted by the time he was done with one. Mom always begged him to quit, but he never listened.

Now, I wanted to curse him for ruining my happiness. Then, I realized my sufferings would end with me, but mom had to live them. She would become a childless widow. There would be no one to give her gifts on Diwali. She wouldn’t cook special dishes for anyone. Everyday, she would go to work and return, then eat and sleep. She would neither smile nor hug anyone. She would sit near the hearth pretending to read a book, but not actually reading it. She would weep in the middle of night and start her day alone.

I did not want even the guy to suffer my loss. I didn’t want to make things difficult for anyone else. Now, people hardly noticed my existence and the same way, they would never notice my absence.

Once, I was home, I embraced mom and told her, “I love you, no matter whether I am around or not”. She said, “I will always love you”.

27 comments:

  1. all i can say is... superb..!!! the theme, the way it is written....just loved it... great job...!!!

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  2. one more thing... i think u should change ur template so that it's in sync with ur writings...

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  3. too good...really...i kinda thought it was bit of a drag at first,but the end was sheer brilliance!!

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  4. Beautifully written,I liked this inpredictable style better than the previous story.
    Keep writing.

    Added you to my blog roll
    http://cutestangel.wordpress.com/

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  5. Hey heart touching story.. Superb...!!!!

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  6. "Your outer looks are the glasses but your inner one is your mirror".
    Nice usage of words ur titles r awesome.!~!
    hope u'll like mine too.

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  7. @ Nethra

    You mentioned:

    "As usual, I sat alone for lunch. I avoided people unless it was very necessary to talk to them. As I munched on my favorite tomato sandwich, I wondered whether people noticed me or just ignored me the way I ignore them. I knew whatever I wonder, I wouldn’t change my attitude."

    So, if you are bothered with whether ppl notice you, then how can you be ignoring them?

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  8. @ Prashant

    The love-letter-boy spoke to her and it wasn't like people never spoke to her. They did once in a while but ignored her most of the time. Anyways thank you for your comment.

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  9. Brilliantly written, I really like the way you've expressed the theme in such beautiful words, the story just flows along, there's no point in it when you feel its abrupt!

    Purely Amazing!

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. hey its you,my best friend who has written it.
    I just came across this,its excellent. brilliant expression.lovely, amazing!!! wat not..

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  12. there are certain bondings that hold us frm doing anything wrong! & above story is like dat only.it reminded me an old memory! quality work indeed.nethra is getting like a Old wine day by day :) superb theme

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  13. is this again a fiction, nethra??? :D

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  14. fiction??? hmm...u r really good at writin fictions i guess...let me give u a suggestion???y don u try writin 55 fiction stories??? u know abt it???
    fictitious story wth less that 55 words
    i wanted to write but m not tat good at it... :D

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  15. Hey Nethra,

    Too good..Keep wriitng!!

    Regards,
    Neelavathi

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  16. Hey Nethra,

    I feel u are inspired by the movie "A walk to remember" in writing this. I donno y, but i cud suddenly relate ur story to the movie..

    Anyway, nice use of words. They are neatly knitted to form meaningful sentences..

    Keep writing..

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  17. love it!!!!Excellent writing skills.

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  18. serioulsy Nethra awesome style of writing.. awesome simply awesome..
    Carry on..
    Waiting for ur next post..

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  19. touching story. brilliantly woven. a question: y the word psychopath?

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  20. how did I miss your blog all these days ... !!!.... glued to it ...!!!

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  21. Varun
    Thanks buddy. It feels good when someone really appreciates my work. :)

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