What if?

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Watching ones mother weep for you, while you lay on your death bed, waiting to die, isn’t surely what you would fancy to see. You would wish you were rather dead than witness such a thing. I too, so much wish I was dead than lay here, impotently.


I know mother would miss me and more than her, Sumati would. If I somehow manage to live, then they need not suffer the heartache that my death would give them. I wish to live. I ask to myself, "What if I could live?"

I wonder how many sons and how many husbands have faced the same helplessness that I am experiencing now. Death is a lot easier than life lived bearing the loss of loved ones. I know why I am here. God wants me to realize the mistake that I have been committing, since ages. The lives of hundreds and thousands that I had wasted to quench my lust of power and riches, had cursed me. I would lose not only throne, but also the dreams that Sumati and I had seen together. Our love would be lost. I ask to myself, "What if I could live?"

Surely, time heals everything. Sumati would move on and so would mother. They might weep for weeks or for months, but with time I would be a mere memory. They would meet new people and with them they would make new memories.

“Mother, I wish to see Sumati”.

She did not look happy. I expect she is jealous, jealous that I am asking for someone else when she is here. I said, “I have an unfinished business with her”.

She called the footman, who was standing at the door and asked him to fetch Sumati.

“Don’t worry, son. I am sure you are going to be alright”.

“Mother, I know I won’t last until sunrise”.

She argued, “I am sure you will”.

“Mother, promise me that you will try to forgive me. The battle wasn’t necessary. Many men have lost their lives and their families have lost them, because of me. I am sorry for being such a beast”.

There was someone at the door. At once, I know it was her, my love.

“My lord!” she swept towards me and without a warning put her hands around my neck. Still crying, she said, “don’t go, my lord”.

Mother slipped away from the room, leaving me alone with Sumati.

Holding her chin, I made her face me and looking into her eyes, I asked, “Will you make a promise, love?” She nodded.

Holding her face between my palms, I pressed my lips on her forehead. I could feel the tears trickling down from her eyes. I said, “I want you to face my death, bravely. I want you to move on.”

She backed off from me and burying her face in her hands, whimpered. She was saying something, but I couldn’t catch a word…words that were lost in her sobs. After awhile, she calmed down and managed to say, “How can you ask for such a thing, my lord? I want you to remember the promise that you made to me. You promised companionship. You promised marriage”.

I ask to myself, "What if I could live?"

“You have always been selfless. You have always given me your love and loyalty. I ask for one last thing. Free me from those promises”.

“I can’t, my lord. You are asking me to forget to breath. I can’t stop my heart beating and if it beats, it beats only for you otherwise it will cease. I will die…” before she could say further, I locked my lips with hers. We kissed for an eternity. I knew I would miss her and she would not be able to love anyone else other than me, but I was helpless. I was tired. My body ached and was begging to be set free from the pain. My heartbeat had to cease and I had to stop breathing, but I knew I would always love her.

She took my hand in hers and placed it on her stomach.

I pushed her away. For a moment, I forgot to breathe. This was worse than death. I did not know what to do other than cry. I cried, cried for life. I again asked, "What if I could live?" I knew no one would have to suffer if I did live, but it was a question I could just ask and do nothing about it.

"What if I could live? What if?"

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