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I was so obsessed with this particular television series that I wouldn't miss any of its episodes, no matter what. The storyline was so good that it made me want to watch it over and over. It might sound insane but I suppose that I was in love with the protagonist and about whether I still posses such strong feelings for him or not, I do not know. However, he's on my mind often, more than he ought to be. You must be wondering whether am I not misinterpreting my feelings for him and it could be that I’m just attracted to him. Trust me! I've seen more good looking men than him but none have managed to haunt my thoughts and dreams for so long. It might not be love but surely not just an infatuation.
Anyway, it doesn't matter whether you believe it or not. What's important is my feelings for him and what I'm going to do about them. I know that you're thinking that all that I can do is forget him. Come-on! I'm not going to give up so easily. I wouldn’t have wanted to act if it was just a teeny-weeny crush but I can tell that it isn’t. Every time I see him, I blush and when I hear his voice, my heart speeds up. If it isn’t love then what it is? Whatever it is, it’s a troublesome feeling to handle. I'm sure that I can never get him out of my head, at least not like this.
What if he is the one I'm destined to be with? Would you still ask me to sit back and do nothing? I know that you don't believe in destinies, even I didn't until I saw him. I don't want to live with any regrets and keep asking "What if's" until I die, so I've decided to fly to Japan to see him. I would prefer standing face to face, looking into his eyes and learn my true feelings for him. Don’t worry! I’m not going to spend all my savings and go on a holiday. I’m just taking a job there and that’s better than going on my own.
And about how I’m going to meet him once I’m there, I’ve already fixed that. One of my colleagues knows someone who works with a group that organizes stage plays and I’ve been introduced to that person. Though he is a part of the technical team, he has assured me that I would be able to see the entire crew.
I wanted to see him so badly, so badly that I finally flew to Japan…
“How was your journey, ma’am?” he asked. Though his Japanese accented English was difficult to understand I managed a “Yes!” He was my company’s man, who would take me to the company’s apartment.
The apartment wasn’t very big but more than enough considering that nobody would be visiting me. I don’t think that I would ever get a chance of inviting him over. If he invites me to his place then that would be another story but I wonder whether such a thing would ever happen.
“I would be leaving now but feel free to call me if you need anything, ma’am” he said. Bowing a little, I thanked him for everything and I must say that he looked quite impressed. After he left, I decided to take a little stroll and get familiar with the neighborhood. After all, I would be staying here for awhile.
My first day at work was great. Everyone greeted me warmly and made me feel at home, but I was looking forward to go to my ex-colleague’s friend’s workplace, to see the man for whom I was at Japan, away from home.
And for the big day…it finally came. First, I was in the same building where he was practicing for the coming up show and then we were in the same hall but I was behind the screen watching him practice. My heart was beating so loudly that I feared that it would burst if it continued beating so loud and fast. Then before I knew I was standing in front of him, looking into his eyes. Oh yes! Even he was looking at me but his expression wasn’t anything like I’d dreamed off. I had played this day…this very moment in my mind, again and again, but not for a moment I’d considered his feelings. Obviously, he didn’t know that I’d travelled all the way from India to Japan just to see him. Even if I told him that, I wondered whether it would really matter. For him, I would be just another of his crazy fans.
He asked, “What?”
He said, “You’re staring at me”.
I wanted to see him once but now I realize that I just wanted to prove to myself that my feelings for him that I’d tagged as love was just a dream. I was in love with the characters that he portrayed on screen and it was never really him.
I said, “Goodbye!” and that's all I'd to say. I was really glad that I'd come to Japan to see him, to realize my true feelings. Sometimes, saying goodbye is better than clinging to a dream...than living a lie.